Streaming The Best, Worst and Weirdest Christmas Albums on Spotify

An embarrassment of riches for Christmas albums, poverty for the artists.

I get it, you’re suspicious of me writing this article, how can I - a convert to Taoism review Christmas albums with the authentic believer in the Christmas holiday miracle? Well, you’ve forgotten I was raised in a Christian household half my life and I’m mostly into the season for the elves. Gotta love those elves. Anyway, I have a fondness for Christmas music which transcends mere theological boundaries, if Jewish people can get away with recording Christmas music, a Taoist can get away with listening to it. And boy have I heard a lot of Christmas music over the years, both good and terrible. Spotify underpays artists a pittance for streaming on their platform, so when I find a good album I tend to buy it on CD or vinyl, but when it comes to Christmas releases I hesitate to throw money down unless they’re worth my time. I don’t have a large collection of Christmas albums, mostly the A Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack and the Phil Spector Christmas album (which my family hates because they think the Silent Night track with Phil Spector’s voice on it sounds creepy), but I’ve tried to diversify this year and I’ll talk about that later on. For now, expect a whole lot of Yuletide dross I’ve sifted through to find the holiday gold. Much of the music churned out for Christmas is mediocre garbage, but I hope to spotlight my favourite obscurities in the so bad it’s good category as well as the better angels among the mainstream ones you can find circulated by Spotify for posterity’s sake if nothing else. I’m starting to understand why people hate Christmas music having listened to so many of these recordings which cover the same songs over and over, but I persevere for the culture. Pray for me as I plumb the depths of Christmas past, present and future..

Valhalleluja (Nanowar Of Steel)

An honourable mention as it is not an album proper, but a seven-inch single by Nanowar of Steel and Gloryhammer. Have you ever wanted a more pagan interpretation of the Christmas season, without worrying whether you’re giving money to Nordic fascists like Varg Vikernes? Well Nanowar of Steel have the holiday hit for you with Valhalleluja - a song which manages to blaspheme against multiple world religions at once (guess which ones!). Featuring Odin himself declaring he’s a gentle-god of IKEA furniture building because times have changed, it’s a hilarious gospel tinged viking Christmas classic with an even more ridiculous music video accompanying its release from Napalm Records. Apparently Nanowar of Steel is an Italian band who started out taking the piss out of fellow Italian metal act Rhapsody of Fire, and their back catalogue is full of silliness like this such as Barbie MILF Princess Of The Twilight and The Call Of Cthulhu off their album Stairway To Valhalla.

Christmas On Death Row (Various Artists)

This album is a fascinating slice of hip-hop Christmas cheer, in which rappers attempt to bring their genre’s urban gangsta flavour to the holiday. You’d expect from the opening track Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto that this is gonna be a thugged out Christmas LP, but in truth most of it has a pleasant R&B mood instead of the NWA-tier aggression I was expecting from this recording. I don’t have much to say about this one except that songs like I Wish combine chilled out raps with seasons greetings in a successful fusion. It’s enjoyable to listen to and presents a different style to numerous Christmas standards. Peaceful Christmas is the last thing I expected from an album titled Christmas On Death Row, but there remains a darker undertone just under the surface of the struggle in black communities peppered throughout the record which you wouldn’t find on a John Legend Christmas album for instance. There is mention of prayer on Peaceful Christmas, and a thankfulness for God sending his son Jesus, and on the track Christmas In The Ghetto there is a constant refrain of being thankful for what you’ve got when you don’t have much. The production on this album is clearly early nineties, but it holds up after so many years since its release.

All Star Christmas (Quad City DJs)

On the other side of the spectrum from Christmas On Death Row is All Star Christmas, which brings an aggressive and exhausting jock jams approach to the holiday season. The group responsible for this… thing… is Quad City DJs who my generation remembers as the composers of the Space Jam theme as well as their big hit C’Mon Ride The Train. This one is under-discussed in the canon of niche Christmas music, its lack of easy availability on CD has confined it to the dregs of iTunes or Spotify. The Intro presents us a scenario where Santa Claus has to take a gassed up convertible to deliver gifts because Rudolph is sick, and Mrs. Claus has left a cassette tape for Santa to bump in his ride on Christmas Eve. What You Want For Christmas is a fine opening for the album, however the next track Where Dey At Yo! chides men in the ghetto over not being decent fathers and providers to the children and women in their lives. Christmas songs from an African-American perspective often address themes of poverty and social commentary about living conditions in that community. Quad City DJs are definitely bringing those themes to the forefront here, Whatchugot4Xmas is a cheery relief from this type of heaviness where the singers list what gifts they got on December 25th. Alone is about a woman left all alone on Christmas, presumably by her baby-daddy, White Xmas is an R&B rendition of the classic standard, with a seductive edge in its reinterpretation, the latter half of the album is full of Christmas themed jock jams like Da Jam and the remix of The Little Drummer Boy called Lil Bass Boi. Lil Bass Boi is about a DJ dropping beats instead of drums. Christmas Time is another R&B flavoured number by Big Dave, and it fits right in with the rest of this album reconciling the hood with the holiday. It sounds like something you’d expect from Mariah Carey’s Merry Christmas album or a track from a hypothetical Destiny’s Child holiday release. Worth listening to once just for the novelty of it.

A Twisted Christmas (Twisted Sister)

For some reason a recurring theme in Twisted Sister’s music videos is some stuck up snob or authority figure refusing to listen to Twisted Sister’s brand of hair metal, like the PMRC is still breathing down their necks after all these years. Released in the early two-thousands, this element of their legacy is still present even on their Christmas album, which isn’t half bad. I like metal music a lot, and seldom does its brutal realm and the world of Christmas albums meet. What you get here is a bunch of standards like Oh Come Oh Ye Faithful and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus crooned by Dee Snider, it is often derided as one of the worst Christmas albums ever recorded, however I kinda dig its audacity to exist. It encapsulates everything Dee Snider is as a performer, lending his personality as a lead singer to over-familiar Christmas carols which needed a metal makeover to renew interest in them. Twisted Sister’s rendition of Let It Snow has a little bit of Black Sabbath in its grinding guitars accompanied by sleigh bells, it genuinely rules.

Christmas (Michael Buble)

I first heard Michael Buble through his cover of I’m Your Man by Leonard Cohen, which I listened to while I was being assaulted by a small child bashing my head with a plastic hammer - which I tolerated because I had lost the will to live. That’s a terrible first impression for Michael Buble to leave on me, so I figured checking out his Christmas album for free on Spotify couldn’t hurt because nobody respects Christmas music and he was leaving poor Leonard Cohen alone. The version of the album available on Spotify is the Deluxe Special Edition, which is a punishing hour and eight minutes in length. I don’t think I can handle that much Buble in one sitting, but I must for the purposes of this blog. This album escaped to plague an unsuspecting public in 2011, which feels so long ago, and Michael Buble’s bland white crooner shtick is no Christmas With The Rat Pack by any stretch, not even as a Shania Twain tragic could he win me over with a duet with her on the track White Christmas. Most egregious is Buble’s cover of Santa Baby, which wins the award for most no-homo vibes ever recorded on a Christmas album as he attempts to get a Rolex under the tree on the basis of being “buddies” with Santa. Say what you will about A Twisted Christmas, Dee Snider stamps his mark on Christmas classics which isn’t easy to forget, whereas whenever I hear Michael Buble I can’t distinguish him from most other white guys singing Christmas songs on the loudspeaker at the mall in December. There are much better renditions of these songs out there, by underrated artists who are dwarfed by the success of this middle of the road Christmas album, and this is somehow the version of these songs a lot of people have chosen to hear. Bah humbug!

A Holly Dolly Christmas (Dolly Parton)

One of the most recent entries in the Christmas album canon, which isn’t her first rodeo with Christmas albums (she collaborated with Kenny Rogers on one called Once Upon A Christmas in the eighties), Dolly Parton delivers a charming if cheesy LP for the holiday season amidst releasing a book and funding a vaccine for COVID-19. What can’t she do? As a Christmas record, this is among the best releases I’ve heard since John Legend’s A Legendary Christmas. It’s one of the less secular Christmas albums I’ve heard in a long time too, Dolly is unafraid to mention Jesus as the reason for the season on tracks like Mary, Did You Know? which closes the album out on a melancholy note. Cuddle Up, Cosy Down Christmas features my nemesis, Michael Buble, however I cannot dare to question the creative decisions of Dolly despite having a duet with Jimmy Fallon on All I Want For Christmas Is You. Christmas Is presents us with a sobering reminder that Christmas is a time for giving (it’s all about kindness according to Dolly), meanwhile Christmas On The Square is a country-flavoured good time, even if it was featured in the terrible Netflix musical of the same name isn’t enough to sour it for me. Dolly’s rendition of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus is a prime slice of cheese which no other artist could get away with in 2020, but Dolly Parton’s sincerity cleaves through any irony poisoning that would dismiss this record as too corny to match the grim mood of the times we’re in. I enjoyed A Holly Dolly Christmas a fair bit, silliness and all, and you can do so much worse.

Celestial (Rob Halford)

I went to see Judas Priest live at Download 2019, and Rob Halford came out on stage riding a big motorcycle, which might be one of my favourite concert moments of all time. Rob Halford’s voice is still carrying its usual shriek in his old age, and if you go into Celestial expecting Judas Priest’s front-man doing Christmas carols, you’re going to be in for a fun ride. It’s one of the less abrasive Christmas metal albums you can find, I loved the track Donner and Blitzen as well as God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen reinterpreted from the grandmaster of the Heavy Metal Parking Lot, it’s good fun and belongs on the metal Christmas list with Christopher Lee’s two holiday themed singles I used to own on iTunes. Away In A Manger and O Little Town Of Bethlehem are a little bit slower than I expected with a gentler guitar shred than his take on Deck The Halls, Morning Star is a standout track which provides Rob Halford an opportunity to perform without a row of Marshall stacks blowing out your speakers for a change. If you want a headbanger’s alternative to the saccharine Christmas music playlist from your Mariah Careys or your Michael Bubles I recommend you give this LP a listen for curiosity’s sake.

We Wish You A Metal Xmas And A Headbanging New Year (Various Artists)

This Christmas album can be seen as the metal equivalent to what Christmas On Death Row was to hip-hop, it’s notable for Ronnie James Dio singing God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Alice Cooper on Santa Claws Is Coming To Town is sinister fun. I’m not sure it’s as good as Rob Halford’s Celestial as a cohesive vision for a Christmas record, but its guest-list featuring metal icons like Lemmy Kilmister who are no longer with us makes it worth listening to at least once. Lemmy and Dave Grohl perform Run, Rudolph Run together and it’s charming. We Wish You A Metal Xmas also has vintage metal acts like the female fronted Girlschool performing Auld Lang Syne, I’m not sure I’d ever listen to this record which features a metal cover of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer on it with my family in the living room as we exchange Christmas gifts but it is a unique collection of tracks reinterpreted through the metal lens for a Krampus edge. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever heard, especially when it comes to Christmas.

Friends for Christmas (John Farnham and Olivia Newton John)

I was first exposed to Olivia Newton John’s music career when I snatched up her Physical album up on vinyl for two dollars at Vinnies, so I know some of her deep cuts like The Dolphin Song, meanwhile I’m out of the loop regarding Australian mega-star John Farnham who I mainly remember from a false advertising controversy surrounding his The Last Time tour not marking his retirement. A Christmas album by these two juggernauts of Australian celebrity should be a slam dunk, and however incongruous it is to hear Australian accents singing about snow (the only frightful weather outside would be a heat wave, and in that case the fire would be far from delightful), this album fits comfortably into the retiree zeitgeist and there’s a good chance your mum or dad owns it on CD. The track-list contains Christmas songs you’ve heard a billion times before, and I was uncertain I wanted a version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside performed by John Farnham, I did need a break from two metal themed Christmas albums in a row and Olivia/John’s voices are pleasant to listen to. It’s one of the more basic bitch recordings you could have in your collection, but why fix what isn’t broken? Olivia and John have great chemistry on this LP. Inoffensive and cheerful, it’s a delight from a dynamic duo who’ve been cornerstones of the Australian music industry for decades. Serves its purpose well, and gives the people what they want here.

A Colt 45 Christmas (Afroman)

We’ve truly reached the bottom of the barrel when it comes to Christmas albums, from the artiste who gave us Because I Got High is this wretched collection of songs parodying Christmas classics with juvenile humour and dated homophobia on Frosty, this relic from 2006 encapsulates the worst elements of hip-hop flavoured Christmas recordings from yesteryear. It may or may not be worse than Easy-E’s contribution to Christmas music, Merry Muthafuckin’ Christmas, but I can assure you of the album’s bad taste. When Weird Al Yankovic parodies a song by an artist, there is mutual respect given between the two parties, but there is no such dignity here on A Colt 45 Christmas. Subjecting my ears to Afroman’s sleazy, sexual humour on Deck My Balls left an almost immediate bad aftertaste, Police Blow My Wad parodies Feliz Navidad poorly, 12 J’s of Christmas parodies the Twelve Days of Christmas with more anti-cop sentiments as expected from Afroman’s stoner aesthetic. Afroman Is Coming To Town features Afroman threatening to slap your grandma’s dentures out, and even more complaining about cops who take issue with drugs at his shows, which is understandable. Jobe Bells is a ghetto parody of Jingle Bells, boasting about having sex without a condom and anticipating he’ll be a baby-daddy in June, Let Her Blow is a parody of Let It Snow, which is about opting for oral sex when a woman is on her period. A Strainj Poem is a mess of a track with an assortment of vulgarity, I Wish You Would Roll A New Blunt parodies We Wish You A Merry Christmas with mediocre results - this album is mercifully short at twenty-six minutes and the final two tracks O Chronic Tree and Violent Night aren’t much better than the songs that proceeded it. Afroman trades in stoner cliches and worn out ghetto “satire” (in scare quotes) and if you decide to listen to this train wreck you should proceed with caution.

Only Santa Knows (Delta Goodrem)

A refreshing change of pace from Afroman’s A Colt 45 Christmas, Australian starlet Delta Goodrem’’s Only Santa Knows delivers a decent entry into 2020’s Christmas album slate which gave us A Holly Dolly Christmas and A Very Trainor Christmas. It stands alongside Olivia Newton John and John Farnham’s Friends for Christmas as a representative of its genre, and doesn’t have any nasty surprises. Only Santa Knows is a pleasant title track, comparisons to Mariah Carey’s Merry Christmas album are inevitable but I’d still prefer this over Michael Buble any day. The absence of another cover of Baby, It’s Cold Outside is both welcome and notable, as well as no tired cover of Paul McCartney’s Wonderful Christmastime. Delta mostly sticks to the classics like Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer and Rocking Around The Christmas Tree, however she does distinguish herself on other presumable original tracks like River and Grown Up Christmas List. I haven’t paid much attention to Delta Goodrem when she dropped her most famous album Innocent Eyes, and checking up on her Christmas album confirmed she’s still got it as a pop diva. Only Santa Knows is worth streaming if you are unfamiliar with one of Australia’s treasures.

Christmas In The Heart (Bob Dylan)

Bob Dylan’s singing voice is divisive to say the least, and that definitely applies to this LP where his voice is front and centre on tracks like Must Be Santa (which is a banger). Bob Dylan takes a break from his counter-cultural experimentation to record Christmas songs for the holiday season. I admit Bob’s voice got some getting used to here, but when I got into the groove this was a rewarding entry in the Christmas album canon. I may not be the biggest Bob Dylan fan out there, but I sure as hell respect him, his cover of Do You Hear What I Hear? is at least memorable and interesting if a bit raspy. Here Comes Santa Claus is an enjoyable opening track, Winter Wonderland is delightful in Bob Dylan’s hands, his take on Hark The Herald Angels Sing is a bit abrasive for my taste. But I doubt Christmas In The Heart deserves to rot in the category of worst Christmas albums as I’ve seen on some listicles online. I’ll Be Home For Christmas demonstrates why some listeners might be put off, I’d still rather listen to Bob Dylan sing The Little Drummer Boy than endure an entire album of Michael Buble again. I know it sounds like I’m damning this thing with faint praise, but Christmas In The Heart deserves your attention as long as you accept the terms and conditions that it’s a Bob Dylan LP, not a polished pop star LP.

Christmas In The Stars (credited to Meco)

Considered one of the worst Christmas albums of all time by reputation, I’ve never sat down and listened to it from start to finish until now. Featuring the voice of Anthony Daniels as C-3PO and the first professional debut of Bon Jovi, it has a bit of star power behind it considering what this is as an LP. Scouring the dregs of Spotify sometimes yields so-bad-it’s-good treasures, but I’m not sure it’s truly as bad as people make it out to be. In a world of mediocre Christmas albums that don’t stand out due to how saccharine and overproduced they are, the slight disco tinged presentation of this Christmas In The Stars album gives this LP an identify entirely its own. Star Wars and Christmas collide in this baffling relic from the early eighties, back when The Empire Strikes Back was yet to blow everyone’s mind by revealing Darth Vader was Luke’s father. Christmas In The Stars and Bells, Bells, Bells open up the album and Anthony Daniels does a decent job singing on these tracks. The best known novelty song from this album is of course What Do You Get A Wookie For Christmas - When He Already Owns A Comb? which is the album’s signature single and one of the wacky highlights of this album. C-3PO mentioning things from Earth like Albert Einstein and the Magna Carta is weird to say the least, The Odds Against Christmas is a cheesy treat where he questions the statistics of Christmas happening at all. R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas is an original song and not a cover of We Wish You A Merry Christmas like I expected, it’s sappy but it’s fun and dripping with Christmas imagery like snow and sitting by the fire. This weird little album has been overshadowed by other bizarre Star Wars ephemera like The Star Wars Holiday Special which is more infamous due to George Lucas’ attempts to suppress it from being seen, whereas this thing is pretty well preserved by streaming services. I’m not sure I’d ever buy it on vinyl but its take on Sleigh Bells was pretty enjoyable. Merry, Merry Christmas follows on from What Would You Get A Wookie For Christmas by suggesting additional items for gift ideas, A Christmas Sighting - T’was The Night Before Christmas features a Star Wars themed reinterpretation of the famous poem read by C-3PO where he sees Santa Claus, and The Meaning Of Christmas closes out the album on a treacly sentimental note singing about peace and love. Now that I’ve heard the full album for myself, Christmas In The Stars is far from bottom of the barrel like Afroman’s A Colt 45 Christmas was for me, and it deserves a place in the Christmas canon due to sheer curiosity’s sake.

Holiday For Swing! (Seth MacFarlane)

Comparisons to Michael Buble are inevitable here, as Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy fame tries his hand at Christmas music in the tradition of Rat Pack performers before him. The song selection is solid enough for an album such as this, Christmas Dreaming is rather pleasant but I still can’t shake the fact that the creator of American Dad of all things is crooning Christmas staples whilst trying to sound like Frank Sinatra on I’ll Be Home For Christmas. The production on this record evokes nostalgic sixties Christmas tones, a real classy affair is what Seth’s going for here, and for the most part he succeeds despite his reputation for low-brow crass humour.. Little Jack Frost Get Lost is a charming duet with Norah Jones on a lesser known Christmas song, I kinda liked it and it’s accompanied by a big band sound. A Marshmallow World is a track I’m familiar with from the Phil Spector Christmas album, and I’ve gotta say I prefer the original better because I’m biased to that one due to over-familiarity, What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve? is one I’ve never heard before Seth’s take on it and thus I feel the reverse to it. Of course we’re subjected to Seth’s rendition of Baby, It’s Cold Outside - a song which has gotten controversial over the years and ever since I heard the Idina Menzel version I’ve been aware the male character in that song is rather pushy. Seth McFarlane’s take on Baby, It’s Cold Outside doesn’t break any new ground, but it does retain the “what’s in this drink?” line which some popular versions excise. I know I’m harping on this, but after you hear so many distinct versions of the same song I have gripes to share about individual recordings of it I guess. Mele Kalikimaka is an island themed track which Seth does his best old school crooner take on and you wouldn’t feel out of place hearing this one at your local sophisticated tiki bar. Warm In December is a jazzy little number which Seth lends his Rat Pack sensibilities to well, and compared to crap like A Colt 45 Christmas he’s downright bring home to mother material in terms of style and presentation. Hidden depth is the theme of this record, I never thought the mind behind KISS Saves Santa had an enjoyable take on Moonlight In Vermont in him, (Everybody’s Waitin’ For) The Man With The Bag ain’t bad either, Seth’s cohesive vision for this album overcomes the obstacle of taking MacFarlane’s non-cartoon side-projects seriously. The Christmas Song closes out the LP, at which point I wonder if Seth MacFarlane is trapped within a dude-bro prison of his own making via the television shows he makes. It’s a bit like hearing Disturbed cover The Sound of Silence and discovering David Dramian’s undiscovered talent emerge.

Holiday Wishes (Idina Menzel)

If you want the voice of Elsa from Disney’s Frozen lending her talents to holiday cheer, this is the album for you, with distinct Snow Queen-ish covers of classics like Do You Hear What I Hear? and Baby It’s Cold Outside (with my nemesis Michael Buble contributing to the awkwardness of this particular song showing up here), this album doesn’t reinvent the wheel and Broadway icon Idina Menzel is well-suited to Christmas songs which are beaten into the ground by their constant ubiquity. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas is done justice here, for some reason When You Wish Upon A Star from Disney’s Pinocchio rears its head in a track list filled with stuff like All I Want For Christmas Is You - confirming Menzel’s gradual transformation from Elphaba to Elsa under Mickey Mouse’s thumb is now complete. December Prayer is a stand out track only Adele Dazeem herself could nail, allowing her to belt her heart out, which she also does on Silent Night and River.. If you’re obsessed with the minute details of Broadway divas’ careers and side projects, I suspect you’ll get a kick out of this one, meanwhile I’m still waiting for Patti LuPone to drop a Christmas album.

A Very Trainor Christmas (Meghan Trainor)

From the woman who inflicted All About That Bass and Dear Future Husband upon the world, Meghan Trainor sings Christmas songs in a calculated career move to conquer the Billboard Hot 100. This LP has pop-starlet vibes all over it, and it’s weird to find a collaboration with both Earth, Wind and Fire plus Seth MacFarlane on here. One of the most recent Christmas albums on this list, released in 2020, A Very Trainor Christmas contains some originals like My Kind Of Present and I Believe In Santa as well as worn-out standards everyone’s sick of due to overexposure. Her version of Last Christmas by George Michael is enjoyable, although I’ll always prefer the Pudding Mix original. This album isn’t as awful as I expected, however it fits right into the Christmas mall-core that plays incessant over the speakers at shopping centres. Whether or not you are capable of tolerating that type of music is up to you, but at least Meghan Trainor doesn’t cover Santa Baby and miss the point like the Leonard Cohen Jazz Police fugitive Michael Buble did. This record goes for fifty-four minutes, and that’s a lot to deal with when you’re dealing with Christmas songs especially if you’re mainlining Christmas albums for review purposes. Holidays is the Earth, Wind and Fire featured track which has their funky beat behind it even if it feels a bit processed, overexposed songs you expect to be here like Winter Wonderland (with ukulele instrumentation!) and White Christmas (where Seth MacFarlane rears his head) are here of course, but then you get Meghan Trainor originals like Christmas Party (which name drops an Amazon gift card), Christmas Got Me Blue, and Naughty List which aren’t classics on par with Mariah Carey’s iconic All I Want For Christmas Is You but are inoffensive and disposable. Meghan Trainor’s singing voice is suited for this project, even if this one doesn’t have me in its target demographic. I didn’t hate it, but I doubt I’ll remember any of it passing through my ears after I’ve listened to it.

Christmas In Tha Dogghouse (Snoop Dogg Presents)

Snoop Dogg wills into being yet another contribution to the gangsta Christmas sub-genre, this time dragging various artists along with him to create this record similar to the previous Christmas On Death Row. The production on this thing is amazing, updated for the new millennium, and Snoop Dogg welcomes you to the album on Christmas Intro with class and prestige. Christmas In Tha Dogghouse promises from the get go to let you get your groove on, and it is a promise kept on tracks like Xmas On Soul and This Christmas. The album sets a tone of hip-hop togetherness with your homies, like most rap albums centred around Christmas there is the slightest dark undertone of the ghetto reality lurking beneath these beats but nothing too rough to give you emotional whiplash upon listening to it. A Gift That Keeps On Giving presents us with a hood Christmas vibe, thugged out for the holidays. A New Xmas continues that mood with a song about hustling and being your own Santa Claus, as well as rolling blunts and counting that paper. I Miss Them Days is a nostalgic look at Christmas parties of the past, which has a neat sample driving its momentum, A Very Special Christmas has an R&B flavour going on. Twas The Night Before Xmas has a twinge of social commentary about being from a poor family at Christmas time and being robbed by a crackhead stealing presents from under the tree, My Little Mama Trippin On Xmas is a tale about trying to get with a hot girl at school around Christmas, which has a twinkling melody. Just Like Xmas is built around a quality chorus, referencing “that old CD from the Row” as a throwback to past holiday albums Snoop Dogg has appeared on, plus thanking the Lord and being grateful is a virtue expressed here. Look Out is a song about poverty in the hood on Christmas, with a hint of social commentary about how your momma can be Santa Claus when you’re poor, that gets interrupted by bragging about popping bottles and sipping on the Christmas bong now that the narrator is an adult. When Was Jesus Born? contemplates the reason for the season over hip-hop beats, as well as momma paying the bills. Xmas Trees is about getting high from the Christmas bong, in addition to New Year’s Weed, I kinda liked this track about growing marijuana in your own nursery, Every Day Is Like Christmas To Me is a brag-rap about outgrowing Santa Claus and ballin’. Christmas In The Hood is a funky little jam about being trying to avoid being robbed by crackheads and spending December 24th in the county jail, The Grinch is about what you would expect from that title; a riff on the famous villainous Christmas character created by Dr. Seuss as “the Grinch who stole anything” boasts that he’ll rob Lil Wayne for his grill. The album’s final tracks include Landy In My Egg Nog and A Pimp’s Christmas Song, which are fine songs to go out on Looking back on this album it’s a product of its time (2008) but it’s a unique and enjoyable Christmas record which deserves your attention.

Death Metal Christmas (J.J. Hrubovcak)

A short but not sweet EP of desecrated Christmas carols, J.J. Hrubovcak transmogrifies God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen into Unrest for Melancholy Men and We Three Kings into Earthen Kings like a Chaos Space Marine putting spikes and chains and skulls onto a captured Imperium Predator tank. Complete with death metal reimagining of The Nutcracker Suite’s Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy and Greensleeves, this Death Metal Christmas album subtitled Hellish Renditions of Christmas Classics has something for every headbanger if Twisted Sister are too hair metal for you.

Christmas Songs (Bad Religion)

I’m not too familiar with Bad Religion outside of their inclusion on the Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 soundtrack, however I do know them by reputation as one of the best punk bands ever formed. They recorded an album of Christmas songs which consists of classic carols done in their ripping punk style, and to be honest I prefer their approach to Christmas songs over the Twisted Sister A Twisted Christmas album. I don’t have a lot to say about this one except that I enjoyed it a lot and it includes a remix of their biting satirical song American Jesus off Recipe For Hate - devastating in its inclusion here as an indictment of the American saviour who replaces the biblical one for the evangelical right wing. Un-ironic rocking out is to be had here, with enthusiastic recommendation.

Hung For The Holidays (William Hung)

I take back anything bad I might have said about A Twisted Christmas, this album here is truly awful, right down to the cheap Casio instrumentation on display. I have never heard of this William Hung guy, apparently he was a reality TV flame-out and I believe that. The fact Spotify keeps this album in circulation is a slight against the platform, I didn’t need to hear this guy butchering Silver Bells and The Little Drummer Boy even though such vital research was self-inflicted. Not a single song on this so-called album is good, and all of them are sung off-key by William Hung.. Afroman’s A Colt 45 Christmas was offensive for its dated humour, this is aesthetically offensive in its shoddy and chintzy production that drags down its quality to a nadir of Christmas music recordings. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer gets slaughtered on this thing which was pressed to CD at some point, poor Winter Wonderland is abused in similar fashion. Not even worth the ironic consumption, William Hung’s mangling of We Are The Champions in a hidden track called Greetings: Hopes And Dreams makes me yearn for the dulcet tones of Seth MacFarlane.

A Very Spidey Christmas (Various Artists)

Released to promote Spider-Man: Enter The Spider-Verse, this EP titled A Very Spidey Christmas doesn’t overstay its welcome, with a version of Joy To The World and Spidey-Bells (A Hero’s Lament) being strong highlights as Chris Pine regrets his choices in life.. I like this EP a lot for what it is, a novelty Christmas record dedicated to Spider-Man-centric parodies of classic carols like Deck The Halls, it’s a lot more comedy focused than most Christmas albums out there, I suppose if you’re one of those people who hate all superheroes you probably won’t like this either but I dig it. The EP closes out on The Night Before Christmas 1967 (Spoken Word) and it’s filled with references to Spidey-senses. I suppose this is a fine EP to stop my retrospective on Christmas albums available on Spotify and I hope you all had fun as I close out this miserable year 2020. Have a Merry Christmas and a much happier New Year, I subjected my ears to a lot of crap doing this and I hope my delving into Spotify’s depths has entertained you these holidays.